.
John Howard, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 15 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes a cheque.
Obama calls the US and talks for an hour. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is 4 million dollars, so he writes a cheque.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is 20 cents. Howard just smiles.
Obama and Putin go ballistic, and ask the devil why Howard got to call Australia for only 20 cents??
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Julia Gillard took over, the whole country has gone to hell. It's a local call."
.
December 1, 2012
August 7, 2012
July 30, 2012
July 22, 2012
The Hills
.
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty Hill were vacationing in
Europe...
As it happens, near Transylvania .
They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted
highway.
It was late and raining very hard.
Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control!
Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail!
The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.
Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife
unconscious, with her head bleeding!
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he
has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the
road.
After a short while, he sees a light.
He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large,
old house.
He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A
small, hunched man opens the door.
Bob immediately blurts, "Hello My name is Bob Hill and
this is my wife Betty Hill. We've been
in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt.
Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we
don't have a phone..
My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob
brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs.
"I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you.
I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have
had a basic medical training. I will see
what I can do.
Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs,
with Bob following closely.
Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.
Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor
places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.
Bob Hill and Betty
Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly.
Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which
houses his grand piano. For it is here
that he has always found solace...
He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody
fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up.
His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on
Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.
Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the
beat!
He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the
conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! .....
The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
.
June 17, 2012
Breast Milk Is Good For You
.
How much calcium can you get from sucking on a nipple?
Apparently enough to grow a bone!
.
How much calcium can you get from sucking on a nipple?
Apparently enough to grow a bone!
.
May 27, 2012
Jings!
.
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home pished, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that was effin brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home pished, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!
Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home pished, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that was effin brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home pished, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!
Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
.
May 16, 2012
And What's In A Name?
.
A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a mostly deserted beach on the NSW coast. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely", she countered.
"Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over the mountain," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a mostly deserted beach on the NSW coast. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely", she countered.
"Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over the mountain," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
.
May 13, 2012
Watching Your Health
.
The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye. "You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you'll ruin what's left of your liver completely."
"That's bull, Doc," I replied. "You always say that when it's your round. Get the beers in, you tight arse."
.
The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye. "You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you'll ruin what's left of your liver completely."
"That's bull, Doc," I replied. "You always say that when it's your round. Get the beers in, you tight arse."
.
May 9, 2012
May 5, 2012
What To Do.
.
One
day, a mum was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a
bondage-S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She showed it to her husband. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
April 28, 2012
Who Has Drugs?
.
Yesterday I was stopped in the street by a policeman and his dog. I questioned him why he had stopped me and his reply was that his dog told him i was in possession of drugs.
"I'm in possession of drugs? I'm not the one with a dog that speaks!" was my reply.
.
April 14, 2012
March 23, 2012
March 17, 2012
March 12, 2012
Why You Don't Use Your Phone In The Quite Carriage
.
After a busy day she settled down on her train from
Central for a nap as far as her destination at Gosford when the chap sitting opposite
her hauled out his mobile and started up:-"Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozy from the typing pool, with the boss, no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
This was still going on at Hornsby, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"
.
.
March 4, 2012
The Gym
.
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though.
It provides me with everything I need - Kit Kat's, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.
.
February 18, 2012
February 17, 2012
January 28, 2012
January 22, 2012
Advice To An Old Guy
.
An old guy was working out in the gym when
he spotted a powerfully chested sweet young thing.
He asked the trainer who was near-by,
"What machine in here should I use to impress
that young woman over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said,
"I would try the ATM in the lobby."
January 13, 2012
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