A Christmas Story

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

Staff Xmas Party

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---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: MARK OULTON
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 2009 10:02:42 +0000 (GMT)
Subject: Staff xmas party
To:

FROM: Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE:4th DECEMBER
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free
to sing along.

And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make
a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family

Patricia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our ' Holiday Party.' The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There
will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other
types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patricia .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE : 6th December

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't beanonymous anymore!!!! How am I
supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the
Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management
believe £10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patricia.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th December

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during day l i ght hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package
everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will
that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the toilets, Gays a re allowed to sit with each other,
Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own
table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food
first. There will be fresh fruits asdessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Patricia.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*****G Employees

DATE: 8 December

RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
quaintly put it.

You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you
know tomatoes have feeling, too.

They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing
them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: John Bishop- Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 12th December

RE: Patricia Harris and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patricia a speedy recovery,
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with
full pay.
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Password Audit

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During a recent password audit, it was found that someone was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, they said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

A Moral Story

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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chicks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess".

"What's the moral of your story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!”

"Very good" said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too, but we raise chicks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Emily".

"Mick, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss".

Best Come Back Line

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In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

'I said. 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?
'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...

'A pumpkin? Sh*t .... is it midnight already?'

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