Looks of Disappointment

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A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
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That's Gotta Hurt!!

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Stimulus Package Explained

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It's a slow day in a dusty little Australian town.

The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town, stops at the local motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

He gives him keys to a few rooms and as soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the $100 bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his drinks bill at the local pub.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill to the motel owner with the $100.

The motel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Australian Government's stimulus package works.

Now we can explain it to our kids and grandkids.
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Signs

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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

***************** *********

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit, please back in."

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On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

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On a Church's Bill board:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

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At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

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On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

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On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

" Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

************** ************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

**********************

Sign on the back of another

Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Five Surgeons

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Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'.
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New Element Discovered

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The new element, Governmentium(Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that someone was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyCanberra"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Sex at 82

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 82! I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 73..... So it's not far to walk home afterwards!

How Fights Start

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My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
.

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The husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived...

I think I'll wear gold tonight. "

Wife says, "Why not wear silver and come second for a change."

The top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators

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Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the last Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:


1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially
my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife
of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'
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The Call

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A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's best friend when all of a sudden the telephone rings and she answers. After hanging up she says, "That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while, he's playing cards with you.

Thinking and Drinking

Original version at explosm.net

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A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.

"You, sir, are drunk!"

"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
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A Christmas Story

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

Staff Xmas Party

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---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: MARK OULTON
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 2009 10:02:42 +0000 (GMT)
Subject: Staff xmas party
To:

FROM: Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE:4th DECEMBER
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free
to sing along.

And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make
a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family

Patricia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our ' Holiday Party.' The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There
will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other
types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patricia .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE : 6th December

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't beanonymous anymore!!!! How am I
supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the
Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management
believe £10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patricia.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th December

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during day l i ght hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package
everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will
that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the toilets, Gays a re allowed to sit with each other,
Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own
table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food
first. There will be fresh fruits asdessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Patricia.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*****G Employees

DATE: 8 December

RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
quaintly put it.

You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you
know tomatoes have feeling, too.

They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing
them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: John Bishop- Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 12th December

RE: Patricia Harris and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patricia a speedy recovery,
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with
full pay.
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Password Audit

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During a recent password audit, it was found that someone was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, they said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

A Moral Story

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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chicks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess".

"What's the moral of your story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!”

"Very good" said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too, but we raise chicks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Emily".

"Mick, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss".

Best Come Back Line

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In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

'I said. 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?
'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...

'A pumpkin? Sh*t .... is it midnight already?'

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Staring