The Saga of Jerks

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.
I found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Alan Dawson and could I please speak
to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that
anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and
called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up
with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk.
I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered,
I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I
wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple
of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call
him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!" It would
always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number, then heard his
voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the
telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar
with our caller ID program?"He went, "No!" and slammed the phone
down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a
jerk!" And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to
show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can
do something about it. Just dial xxx-4822.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her
car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull
out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this
black camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction
and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling,
"You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed
out of his camaro completely ignoring me.

He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this
world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his
car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to
park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had
just gotten off the phone after calling xxx-4822 and yelling,"You're
a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on
speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black
camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said,"Hello. " I
said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?" "Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 182 Wallace Street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front. I said, "What's your name?" "My name is
Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in
the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don,
you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I
added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler. For a while things
seemed to be going better for me.

Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after
several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the
whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as
enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought
and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A
man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I
didn't hang up.
The jerk said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.." He said,
"Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said,
"What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen."

"Where do you live?"
"182 Wallace Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's
parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jerk #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jerk!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your head in."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!"
And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big
gang fight was going down at 182 Wallace Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to Wallace Street to
watch the whole thing.

I turned onto Wallace Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree
half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out
front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter.

The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to
be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck
would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have
influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict,
they said, "We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a
couple of jerks!"