Psychology

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Oh That!

Titan Uranus?

Fun!

7 Top Tips

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7 Top Tips

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you slice.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily thought:

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs!

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Living in 2009

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Living in 2009

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

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An Amazing Story

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This is an amazing story that you’ve just got to read.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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A True Friend

Dinner

The Whole Venus and Mars Thing

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

The Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, she kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Martin, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pick-up parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Martin (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Martin, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Martin quietly parked his pick-up in front of Mildred's house....... walked home ............................ and left it there all night.

You gotta love Martin.

In A Large Company

A large company recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, yesterday one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads indicating "no".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!!!!"

So Profound

If you love someone, set them free.

If they comes back, they were, and always will be yours.

If they never returns, they were never yours to begin with.

If they just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set them free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

Cats and Dogs

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door. Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required. The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door: TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS: (1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly. Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

The Saga of Jerks

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.
I found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Alan Dawson and could I please speak
to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that
anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and
called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up
with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk.
I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered,
I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I
wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple
of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call
him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!" It would
always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number, then heard his
voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the
telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar
with our caller ID program?"He went, "No!" and slammed the phone
down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a
jerk!" And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to
show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can
do something about it. Just dial xxx-4822.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her
car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull
out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this
black camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction
and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling,
"You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed
out of his camaro completely ignoring me.

He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this
world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his
car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to
park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had
just gotten off the phone after calling xxx-4822 and yelling,"You're
a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on
speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black
camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said,"Hello. " I
said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?" "Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 182 Wallace Street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front. I said, "What's your name?" "My name is
Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in
the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don,
you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I
added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler. For a while things
seemed to be going better for me.

Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after
several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the
whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as
enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought
and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A
man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I
didn't hang up.
The jerk said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.." He said,
"Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said,
"What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen."

"Where do you live?"
"182 Wallace Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's
parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jerk #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jerk!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your head in."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!"
And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big
gang fight was going down at 182 Wallace Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to Wallace Street to
watch the whole thing.

I turned onto Wallace Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree
half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out
front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter.

The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to
be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck
would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have
influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict,
they said, "We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a
couple of jerks!"

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .

Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .

Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Teenagers

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers,you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all human efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house
with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers act as if they did.