December 1, 2011
November 25, 2011
The Knob
.
A woman in her thirties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful-the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.
"The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
"No point asking about the beard then..........!"
.
A woman in her thirties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful-the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.
"The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
"No point asking about the beard then..........!"
.
November 21, 2011
The Robot
.
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He
decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says
"at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends
house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was
a porno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what
porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mum laughs "Ha Ha Ha! He's
certainly your son." Robot slaps the mum.
.
November 12, 2011
Too Smart?
.
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
To this his father replied,
'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'
.
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
To this his father replied,
'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'
.
November 9, 2011
They grow up so fast!
.
Our little girl is growing up !!
BIRTHDAY REMINDER!
This week we celebrate a special birthday.
Monica Lewinsky turns 50.
Can you believe it?
November 5, 2011
Wedded Bliss
.
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?
.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?
October 23, 2011
The Windows
.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind and today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so
October 19, 2011
Saying It Right
.
Dave wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Dave looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!'
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Dave asks, 'Son, what happened last night?' His son says, 'Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.'
Confused, Dave asks, 'So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh, that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Get your hands off me, bitch! I'm married!"
Moral of the Story:
Self-induced hangover -- $100.00
Broken furniture -- $2,000.00
Breakfast -- $10.00
Saying The Right Thing to your wife when you are Drunk -
PRICELESS!
.
Dave wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Dave looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!'
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Dave asks, 'Son, what happened last night?' His son says, 'Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.'
Confused, Dave asks, 'So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh, that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Get your hands off me, bitch! I'm married!"
Moral of the Story:
Self-induced hangover -- $100.00
Broken furniture -- $2,000.00
Breakfast -- $10.00
Saying The Right Thing to your wife when you are Drunk -
PRICELESS!
.
October 2, 2011
Children Are Quick
.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
_______________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
______________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
_______________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
______________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
.
September 4, 2011
UNelected World Government Wannabe
UNelected
UNreliable
UNdemocratic
UNaccountable
UNrealistic
UNbelievable
.
September 3, 2011
July 1, 2011
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired
.
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - ' Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
.
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - ' Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
.
June 24, 2011
Together In Electric Dreams
.
The Sex life of an Electron
by Eddie Currents
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to seek out a cute little coil to help him discharge.
He picked up Milli-Amp and took her for a ride in his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge and stopped by a Magnetic field with flowing currents and frolicked in the sine waves.
Micro-Farad, attracted by Millie-Amp's characterisic curves soon had her fully charged and proceeded to excite her resistance to a minimum. He gently laid her at ground potential, raised her frequency and lowered her reluctance.
With a quick arc, he pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it in her socket, connecting them in parallel. He slowly began short circuiting her resistance shunt while quickly raising her thermal conductance level to mil-spec. Fully excited, Milli- Amp mumbled "MHO...MHO...MHO"
With his tube operating well into class C, and her field vibrating with his current flow, a corona formed which instantly caused her shunt to overheat just at the point when Micro-Farad rapidly discharged and drained off every electron into her grid.
They fluxed all night trying various connectors and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost all of its field strength.
Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids and with his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field. Not ready to be quiescent, they spent the rest of the evening reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.
.
The Sex life of an Electron
by Eddie Currents
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to seek out a cute little coil to help him discharge.
He picked up Milli-Amp and took her for a ride in his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge and stopped by a Magnetic field with flowing currents and frolicked in the sine waves.
Micro-Farad, attracted by Millie-Amp's characterisic curves soon had her fully charged and proceeded to excite her resistance to a minimum. He gently laid her at ground potential, raised her frequency and lowered her reluctance.
With a quick arc, he pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it in her socket, connecting them in parallel. He slowly began short circuiting her resistance shunt while quickly raising her thermal conductance level to mil-spec. Fully excited, Milli- Amp mumbled "MHO...MHO...MHO"
With his tube operating well into class C, and her field vibrating with his current flow, a corona formed which instantly caused her shunt to overheat just at the point when Micro-Farad rapidly discharged and drained off every electron into her grid.
They fluxed all night trying various connectors and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost all of its field strength.
Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids and with his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field. Not ready to be quiescent, they spent the rest of the evening reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.
.
June 19, 2011
Signs She Is Bored In Bed
.
20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your a*s.
18. Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"
17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
16. Only moans during commercial breaks.
15. Starts her fake orgasm during foreplay.
14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.
10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,Yadda."
9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!
4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centrefold to hurry you along.
3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her chequebook better.
2. She yells out her own name.
1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
.
20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your a*s.
18. Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"
17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
16. Only moans during commercial breaks.
15. Starts her fake orgasm during foreplay.
14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.
10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,Yadda."
9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!
4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centrefold to hurry you along.
3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her chequebook better.
2. She yells out her own name.
1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
.
June 18, 2011
The Job Interview
.
Interviewer: Any boyfriends?
Candidate: Yes.
Interviewer: Is he rich?
Candidate: Yes, very rich. He owns a company.
Interviewer: Sorry, we cannot employ you because if your boyfriend doesn't want to employ you then neither do we!
.
Interviewer: Any boyfriends?
Candidate: Yes.
Interviewer: Is he rich?
Candidate: Yes, very rich. He owns a company.
Interviewer: Sorry, we cannot employ you because if your boyfriend doesn't want to employ you then neither do we!
.
June 7, 2011
June 6, 2011
June 5, 2011
May 24, 2011
May 17, 2011
You Need A Tie
.
This guy wants to go into this hip new nightclub but the bouncer says, "Sorry, bud, you need a tie to enter this place."
Our hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found.
Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free.
Back to the nightclub he goes, where the bouncer takes a long look at him and says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything."
.
This guy wants to go into this hip new nightclub but the bouncer says, "Sorry, bud, you need a tie to enter this place."
Our hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found.
Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free.
Back to the nightclub he goes, where the bouncer takes a long look at him and says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything."
.
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