July 28, 2013

He Might Want Some Sauce As Well!

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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 

"Good morning," said the young man."If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. 

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 

"Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." 

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
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May 12, 2013

Assorted Jokes!


Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
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Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
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I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
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Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
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Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said
white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
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IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
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In the first few days of the Olympics the light fingered athlete’s took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
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Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth
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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
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Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon .....'
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An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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December 1, 2012

Going To Hell In A Handbasket?

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John Howard, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 15 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes a cheque.

Obama calls the US and talks for an hour. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is 4 million dollars, so he writes a cheque.

Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is 20 cents. Howard just smiles.

Obama and Putin go ballistic, and ask the devil why Howard got to call Australia for only 20 cents?? The devil smiles and replies: "Since Julia Gillard took over, the whole country has gone to hell. It's a local call." .

July 22, 2012

The Hills


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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty Hill were vacationing in Europe...

As it happens, near Transylvania . 

They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.  
It was late and raining very hard. 
Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control!
Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! 
The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.
Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! 
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.
 
After a short while, he sees a light. 
He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. 
He approaches the door and knocks.  
A minute passes.  A small, hunched man opens the door. 
Bob immediately blurts, "Hello My name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty Hill.  We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. 
Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone..
My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs.
"I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. 
I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. 
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training.  I will see what I can do.

Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. 

Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. 

Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." 

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.

Bob Hill  and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. 
Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano.  For it is here that he has always found solace... 
He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up.
His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. 
Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! 
He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! .....
The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
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June 17, 2012

Breast Milk Is Good For You

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How much calcium can you get from sucking on a nipple? 

Apparently enough to grow a bone!
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May 27, 2012

Jings!

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A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home pished, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that was effin brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home pished, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How does the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
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May 16, 2012

And What's In A Name?

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A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a mostly deserted beach on the NSW coast. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

 "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

 "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely", she countered.

 "Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over the mountain," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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May 13, 2012

Watching Your Health

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The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye. "You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you'll ruin what's left of your liver completely." 

"That's bull, Doc," I replied. "You always say that when it's your round. Get the beers in, you tight arse."
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May 5, 2012

What To Do.

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One day, a mum was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage-S&M magazine. 

This was highly upsetting for her. She showed it to her husband. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" 

The dad looked at her and said, "Well whatever you do, don't spank him!"
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April 28, 2012

Who Has Drugs?

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Yesterday I was stopped in the street by a policeman and his dog. 

I questioned him why he had stopped me and his reply was that his dog told him i was in possession of drugs. 

"I'm in possession of drugs? I'm not the one with a dog that speaks!" was my reply.
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March 12, 2012

Why You Don't Use Your Phone In The Quite Carriage

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After a busy day she settled down on her train from Central for a nap as far as her destination at Gosford when the chap sitting opposite her hauled out his mobile and started up:-

"Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozy from the typing pool, with the boss, no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

This was still going on at Hornsby, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!" 
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March 4, 2012

The Gym

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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. 

It provides me with everything I need - Kit Kat's, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.
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January 22, 2012

Advice To An Old Guy

An old guy was working out in the gym when
he spotted a powerfully chested sweet young thing.

He asked the trainer who was near-by,

"What machine in here should I use to impress
that young woman over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said,
"I would try the ATM in the lobby."
 

December 19, 2011

The Moped

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An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a traffic light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “what kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars! “

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

 “Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” States the doctor proudly.

 The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?

 “No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right... but I’ll stick with my Moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror, it seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, “I’m a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers,

“Unhook my braces from your side view mirror” 
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