Builder of the year

Queensland - The Smart State

Builder of the year 2009

I want to know which council official signed off on the stages of construction. Does he still work there?

A World Community Service Announcement

Remember when your mum said don't accept lollies from strange men?

This is the one she was talking about!!!

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Computer Help Desk Log

A customer couldn't get on the internet.

Helpdesk: "Are you sure you used the right password?"

Customer: "Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it."

Helpdesk: "Can you tell me what the password is?"

Customer: "Five stars."

Helpdesk: "What antivirus program do you use?"

Customer: "Netscape."

Helpdesk: "That's not an antivirus program."

Customer: "Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer."

Helpdesk: "How may I help you?"

Customer: "I'm writing my first e-mail."

Helpdesk: "OK, and, what seems to be the problem?"

Customer: "Well, I have the letter 'a', but how do I get the circle around it?"

Helpdesk: "What kind of computer do you have?"

Female customer: "A white one..."

"Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..."

Helpdesk: "What's on your monitor now, ma'am?"

Customer: "A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket."

Helpdesk: "And now hit F8."

Customer: "It's not working."

Helpdesk: "What did you do, exactly?"

Customer: "I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening..."

Helpdesk: "Your password is the small letter 'a' as in 'apple', a capital letter 'V' as in 'Victor', and the number 7.

Customer: "Is that 7 in capital letters?"

Road Rage

Australia Factoids

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website - a Melbourne University Tourism Studies student working in the summer holidays answered.....

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A. Sure, it's only three thousand miles, but take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What, did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Australia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face South and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Austria is that quaint little country bordering Germany, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, correct?

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Australia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in America which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets. [ WARNING: Australian snakes are *NOT* harmless ].

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

One In A Million

Madonna And The Frog

Something Wooden

Talk about a woodie!

AT THE BEEP...

AT THE BEEP...

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous
International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8 This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device.. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6.. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a 'sexy' message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly.. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back

Shipboard Romance

A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the Bridge crying.

He took pity on her and said 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.'

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'

The girl nodded yes. 'After all, what do I have to lose?'

Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. ‘What are you doing here?' the captain asked.

'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away' she explained 'I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me.'

''He certainly is,' the captain said. 'This is the Manly Ferry. '

The Handjob Protest Song

I don't know who the artist is but this is hoot!

Can you believe it?

This guy wins 181 million in the lottery on a Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.

Talk about LUCK !!!!

Cooter and Gomer

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly...

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up...

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

Something Lite To Start With

Two old guys are pushing their carts around K-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'

The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'

To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'