Jings!

.

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home pished, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that was effin brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home pished, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How does the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
.

And What's In A Name?

.
A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a mostly deserted beach on the NSW coast. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

 "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

 "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely", she countered.

 "Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over the mountain," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

.

Watching Your Health

.
The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye. "You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you'll ruin what's left of your liver completely." 

"That's bull, Doc," I replied. "You always say that when it's your round. Get the beers in, you tight arse."
.

The Pleasure Is All Hers

What To Do.

.

One day, a mum was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage-S&M magazine. 

This was highly upsetting for her. She showed it to her husband. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" 

The dad looked at her and said, "Well whatever you do, don't spank him!"

.