May 30, 2009

So Profound


If you love someone, set them free.


If they comes back, they were, and always will be yours.

If they never returns, they were never yours to begin with.

If they just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set them free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

May 26, 2009

Cats and Dogs


The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...


May 21, 2009

The Saga of Jerks

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.
I found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Alan Dawson and could I please speak
to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that
anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and
called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up
with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk.
I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered,
I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I
wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple
of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call
him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!" It would
always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number, then heard his
voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the
telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar
with our caller ID program?"He went, "No!" and slammed the phone
down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a
jerk!" And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to
show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can
do something about it. Just dial xxx-4822.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her
car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull
out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this
black camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction
and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling,
"You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed
out of his camaro completely ignoring me.

He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this
world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his
car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to
park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had
just gotten off the phone after calling xxx-4822 and yelling,"You're
a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on
speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black
camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said,"Hello. " I
said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?" "Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 182 Wallace Street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front. I said, "What's your name?" "My name is
Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in
the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don,
you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I
added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler. For a while things
seemed to be going better for me.

Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after
several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the
whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as
enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought
and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A
man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I
didn't hang up.
The jerk said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.." He said,
"Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said,
"What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen."

"Where do you live?"
"182 Wallace Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's
parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jerk #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jerk!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your head in."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!"
And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big
gang fight was going down at 182 Wallace Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to Wallace Street to
watch the whole thing.

I turned onto Wallace Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree
half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out
front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter.

The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to
be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck
would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have
influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict,
they said, "We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a
couple of jerks!"

May 20, 2009

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1.
At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .

Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5.
In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write ' For Marijuana'

6.
Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7.
Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8.
Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9.
Sing Along At The Opera.

10.
Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11.
When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the
Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13.
Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.


To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1.
At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
At Passing Cars.

See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .

Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5.
In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write ' For Marijuana'

6.
Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7.
Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8.
Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9.
Sing Along At The Opera.

10.
Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11.
When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the
Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13.
Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity


14.
PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.


May 18, 2009

Teenagers


For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers,
you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all human efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house
with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers act as if they did.

May 8, 2009

Respect My Authority!!

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term paper.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

May 4, 2009

The Blonde Bath

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milk man to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."


The milk man asked, "Do you want it pasteurised?"


The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."