Ants

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The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer, "They don't have a union."
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Four Worms

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A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

'What did you learn from this demonstration?'

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms.'
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Bumper sticker seen on an Austin Mini:
The parts falling from this car are of the finest British workmanship.

In front of a church:
Remember, Detroit is not the only place that the Maker can recall his product.

Bumper sticker seen on a stealth bomber:
If you can read this, then we wasted 50 billion bucks.

Classified Ad:
Nordic Track $300
Hardly Used
Call Chubbie

On the side of a truck:
Bill's Septic Cleaning
We Haul American Made Products

On a bumper sticker:
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

In a newspaper ad for a used car dealer:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Seen on a bumper sticker:
Forget about World Peace ... Visualize using your turn signal!

Classified Ad:
Free Puppies:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel-
1/2 Sneaky Neighbour's Dog.
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Dear Diary

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.

Our local Women's Guild decided on this "all-girls" trip.

It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful.

Saw whales and dolphins.

Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today.

Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.

Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.

Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.

Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.

Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.

He asked me to stay the night, but I declined.

Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today.

Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day.

Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.

Really is quite charming.

Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.

Again I declined.

He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.

Twice.
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Health Care

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If you can’t afford a doctor, go to an airport. You’ll get a free x-ray and a pat down and if you mention Al Queda you'll get a colonoscopy.
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Footy Time

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Man said to his wife "Alright you sexy thing, bedroom now."

She looked at him and said, "Ooh, you kinky bastard."

He said, "No, seriously, the footy’s about to start.
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