.
How much calcium can you get from sucking on a nipple?
Apparently enough to grow a bone!
.
June 17, 2012
May 27, 2012
Jings!
.
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home pished, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that was effin brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home pished, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!
Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home pished, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that was effin brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home pished, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!
Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
.
May 16, 2012
And What's In A Name?
.
A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a mostly deserted beach on the NSW coast. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely", she countered.
"Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over the mountain," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a mostly deserted beach on the NSW coast. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely", she countered.
"Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over the mountain," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
.
May 13, 2012
Watching Your Health
.
The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye. "You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you'll ruin what's left of your liver completely."
"That's bull, Doc," I replied. "You always say that when it's your round. Get the beers in, you tight arse."
.
The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye. "You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you'll ruin what's left of your liver completely."
"That's bull, Doc," I replied. "You always say that when it's your round. Get the beers in, you tight arse."
.
May 9, 2012
May 5, 2012
What To Do.
.
One
day, a mum was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a
bondage-S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She showed it to her husband. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
April 28, 2012
Who Has Drugs?
.
Yesterday I was stopped in the street by a policeman and his dog. I questioned him why he had stopped me and his reply was that his dog told him i was in possession of drugs.
"I'm in possession of drugs? I'm not the one with a dog that speaks!" was my reply.
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April 14, 2012
March 23, 2012
March 17, 2012
March 12, 2012
Why You Don't Use Your Phone In The Quite Carriage
.
After a busy day she settled down on her train from
Central for a nap as far as her destination at Gosford when the chap sitting opposite
her hauled out his mobile and started up:-"Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozy from the typing pool, with the boss, no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
This was still going on at Hornsby, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"
.
.
March 4, 2012
The Gym
.
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though.
It provides me with everything I need - Kit Kat's, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.
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February 18, 2012
February 17, 2012
January 28, 2012
January 22, 2012
Advice To An Old Guy
.
An old guy was working out in the gym when
he spotted a powerfully chested sweet young thing.
He asked the trainer who was near-by,
"What machine in here should I use to impress
that young woman over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said,
"I would try the ATM in the lobby."
January 13, 2012
December 19, 2011
The Moped
.
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a traffic light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “what
kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!
“
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost
so much?”
“Because this car can
do up to 320 miles an hour!” States the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver
asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?
“No problem,” replies
the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks
around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty
nice car, all right... but I’ll stick with my Moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show
the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror, it seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the
doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari
up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it
more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he’s feeling pretty good until he
looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas
pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him
again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man
is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, “I’m a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers,
“Unhook my braces from your side view mirror”
.
December 1, 2011
November 25, 2011
The Knob
.
A woman in her thirties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful-the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.
"The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
"No point asking about the beard then..........!"
.
A woman in her thirties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful-the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.
"The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
"No point asking about the beard then..........!"
.
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