March 23, 2012
March 17, 2012
March 12, 2012
Why You Don't Use Your Phone In The Quite Carriage
.
After a busy day she settled down on her train from
Central for a nap as far as her destination at Gosford when the chap sitting opposite
her hauled out his mobile and started up:-"Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozy from the typing pool, with the boss, no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
This was still going on at Hornsby, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"
.
.
March 4, 2012
The Gym
.
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though.
It provides me with everything I need - Kit Kat's, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.
.
February 18, 2012
February 17, 2012
January 28, 2012
January 22, 2012
Advice To An Old Guy
.
An old guy was working out in the gym when
he spotted a powerfully chested sweet young thing.
He asked the trainer who was near-by,
"What machine in here should I use to impress
that young woman over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said,
"I would try the ATM in the lobby."
January 13, 2012
December 19, 2011
The Moped
.
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a traffic light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “what
kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!
“
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost
so much?”
“Because this car can
do up to 320 miles an hour!” States the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver
asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?
“No problem,” replies
the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks
around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty
nice car, all right... but I’ll stick with my Moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show
the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror, it seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the
doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari
up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it
more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he’s feeling pretty good until he
looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas
pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him
again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man
is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, “I’m a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers,
“Unhook my braces from your side view mirror”
.
December 1, 2011
November 25, 2011
The Knob
.
A woman in her thirties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful-the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.
"The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
"No point asking about the beard then..........!"
.
A woman in her thirties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful-the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.
"The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
"No point asking about the beard then..........!"
.
November 21, 2011
The Robot
.
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He
decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says
"at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends
house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was
a porno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what
porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mum laughs "Ha Ha Ha! He's
certainly your son." Robot slaps the mum.
.
November 12, 2011
Too Smart?
.
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
To this his father replied,
'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'
.
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
To this his father replied,
'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'
.
November 9, 2011
They grow up so fast!
.
Our little girl is growing up !!
BIRTHDAY REMINDER!
This week we celebrate a special birthday.
Monica Lewinsky turns 50.
Can you believe it?
November 5, 2011
Wedded Bliss
.
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?
.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?
October 23, 2011
The Windows
.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind and today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so
October 19, 2011
Saying It Right
.
Dave wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Dave looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!'
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Dave asks, 'Son, what happened last night?' His son says, 'Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.'
Confused, Dave asks, 'So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh, that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Get your hands off me, bitch! I'm married!"
Moral of the Story:
Self-induced hangover -- $100.00
Broken furniture -- $2,000.00
Breakfast -- $10.00
Saying The Right Thing to your wife when you are Drunk -
PRICELESS!
.
Dave wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Dave looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!'
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Dave asks, 'Son, what happened last night?' His son says, 'Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.'
Confused, Dave asks, 'So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh, that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Get your hands off me, bitch! I'm married!"
Moral of the Story:
Self-induced hangover -- $100.00
Broken furniture -- $2,000.00
Breakfast -- $10.00
Saying The Right Thing to your wife when you are Drunk -
PRICELESS!
.
October 2, 2011
Children Are Quick
.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
_______________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
______________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
_______________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
______________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
.
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